Basta que estes lejos; y aún así te tengo a un lado. Basta que el tiempo me haga mirar a otro lado, pero aún así encontrarte en cada objeto. Basta tener frío para recordar tu abrazo Basta lo que nos sepára, pero aún te llevo unida a mi. Bastan tantas cosas; bastan tanto como el tiempo.
Sometimes I tried to defend what I believe in by upstanding against things that threaten my own... environment. But just as the main effort was to watch for an outsider impact; I received a hit from the inside representing the untruthwort side of my own behavior.
It was enough to look directly to your eyes to see the fire burning inside; fed by the hate and rage of what was unknown but lurked against me prior to this moment, for sure. I heard what never before, and I saw the effect it carried along the moment. I will always look to get the truth from the lips of the interlocutor in a way that it's both convenient and leaves a sense of hope even there is no one. This time I feared about not being able to get to this, and just prepared for the impact on what I might have triggered. At the end I won't understand why, but the fact is that that existed in your eyes.
I wonder why I keep denying that soon this will become iconically significant; even this does not represent any commitment. I will clear that nothing we do is granting the next event in our lives, and indeed; nothing it's.
I will keep that bild on my mind, at the end is not only my side which was affected by it.
Music by: Nacho Vegas [ La Magnitud de la Tragedia]
It's been almost a complete month since the last time I defilled what hurts me in here. I cannot understand when I lost the control of what I think to allow a sea of uncanny deviations to what my principles represent. It is the time I fear about to become a victim of my own actions; but anyway I've just found that this only matters to myself.
How can I rest when all the answers are wrong?
I briefly switched roles to put on a perspective what it's happening. I just unwrapped the trap and designed a dummy-proof plan. I was not there to see the result; but in my mind that was the least of what was important. The time to check arrived and I just confirmed that destiny plays with us more ironically than we always suppose. I projected myself in Subject A (at this point doing exactly how I were supposed to react); and just found the same pityful reaction I recently have conceived.
I decided to let time take care of the dirty job; at the end I cannot imagine an ending far away from the written one. It was not necessary.
I wonder what may go trough the mind of this being as the struggle seems not to work in any way; but I admired the perseverance to drag it's own trap as far as his own force may allow. Is he really hoping to get free? I foresee the answer; and I envy it.
I feel like breaking the walls and start running until a blackout. Just need to talk to myself ... again.
Recently, the fragility of health has been put into the misconceaval of bad times and some other reluctive thoughs. I see that anyway you look at it, we are always struggling against something different each time, but using the same argument. Most of the time we keep looking to the other side until we are all surrounded by overwhelming factors needing for our attention.
I wonder what would happen if we just take a second to look to what hurt us somehow each time; and avoid entering the eternal game of illness, by just stopping the first pinch before it opens a hole. Could it really work? Is this an answer?. I imagine what your head may be thinking now; about this behavior to cause an feverish obsession that could end as the same illness that it is intended to avoid. I have heard before that sometimes the cure is worst thant the illness, and it is always a good starting point for arguing.
We all carry this fear to the pain; but somehow we manage to keep it by our side most of the time. Even though, It takes bravery to recognize this and do something to lighten the forecast. Fortunately, rain season has almost ended (?).
Hablando de ello, realmente quisiera no tener que argumentar el por que de las ausencias cuando no he recibido el mismo trato en el pasado; pero tambien se que no es fácil entender que no todo es una vendetta; sino solo falta de beweggrund.
Sometimes it's good to feel old-fashioned and go back to what ancesters may have considered as the only option when planning for a distant (sic) future. A matrix in a paper can seem to handle in a better way what my mind tries to manage without a complete commitment on the behalfs to go for it.
I'm starting to get used to feel like I have the inevitable duty of scaling a ladder that may fit to what I want; and at the end this is exactly what is pushing me to go forward and look for it. I wonder sometimes what would happen if the focus on this behavior wouldn't exist; and inherently; if this were a different one I would have a different standpoint.
I know I must answer the question that was never stated but can set a milestone in what I search for a future; and by now the time is running. Even tough, I'm not really worried.
I used to remember sometimes this scene from an old action movie I may have been saw when I was about 7. A large group of barbarians depleting and destroying a conquered village, killing men and kidnapping women with a natural born skill. When questioned about the meaning and objective of their rampaging campaigns; the red bearded man promted:
-"We use the resources from last campaign to finance this one; and our gains from this conquer will truly serve to let us go on the next..."-
Once I conceived this idea as the barbaric focus of every enterprise; in which the mean is also the method and viceversa. Why do we need to put an effort on something that would only cause the chance for more effort; I used to think.
The terms I look at now are pushing me to change this standpoint from the inside of my own convictions; mainly because I want to be prepared for whatever is coming next before it's too late to react. Many thoughts have ran randomly into my mind fearing all the tings that could come wrong during a period I haven't even defined. That's why I consider that this struggle starts here and now.
I just hope this decision being made on solitude would bring more than one an smile someday.
Getting used to darkness; the least glimpse of light may feel like heaven.
At the end I just can blame the fear of that moment we both know someday will arrive, but we need to learn to live with. By this time that's a second layer in what the focus should step; while a "Curse" needs to be broken, and definitely not only by me.
Got no time for going deeper; I'll need to look for it.
Just like the sensation brought to mind when you remember how does it feel to reach the last drop of wine in the glass. It's not like you have never expected to go through this; but it's almost real now and you come to realize that it would happen and now you must be aware of it.
Why do we like to feel this way? At the end, the final pattern is just the color filled inside the line of what our actions depict. Most of the times we foresee the course of the story that's about to be told; an we still want to spice up things denying the unavoidable ultimate end. Is it part of what we create or just the momentary explanation to what we like to mantain?
Why do we ask this to myself? If I go closer to this argument; I'm only feeding this same feeling with the same question and answer. Ok so, finally; What's the point?
I'll have to use a good portion of strategy to finally set this, and the moment is coming closer and closer. Why do I like to leave the last spark to the end?
The main problem about being prepared for war is the fact that war is not always present. I reached the bottom of what I need to conceive now as the imperative necessity of overcoming the reality that appears unreal at the general overview. I dared for weeks to betray all those things in which I believe just for a blind anger for knowing more than my own reality allows. I just crashed into a wall of air that must serve as example of confidence.
I see that the beginning of all my problems lies within my own area of existence; that the fear that always push me along my own challenges, also poisons my achievements. This is nothing to do with my vowed silence; but the reason that makes me hide beneath that mask.
I can't predict how this will affect the course of the facts from now on. And maybe it's the time for me to realize that THIS is not a priority.
I just hope whatever will be wrotten about our time; can be read with an smile someday.
After all every mind has it's own storms and the way to deal with them. Even in most of the cases this so called storm is no more than a glimpse of air. I'm really surprised because I just remembered how does it feel not to expect even the minimal sample of care and get to the conclusion that no matter how words can shape a turf ending, we all carry masks that strenghten our posture at the very moment of confrontation.
Even I know exactly whom I learned this from, a plain memory is just the tribute I will offer this time.
Simple is always better; and this may have a lot of different meanings. I know now that I'm in debt with myself for some other aspects; and curiously; I'm doing some things that come out of my mind just because IT is like that.
I almost forgot; just as I like; I have an inusited chance to dig into my own fears. By this point; I can't answer myself if I shall cross that barrier.
Sometimes the barrier that bring us down everytime is no more than the blindfold that keeps standing in front of our eyes. The mistakes seen from stranger's eyes can be easy to see but hard to stand against; and I'm in the position I've never liked to be. It's true that I took the responsability of my own acts, and that has never been different. I only would have liked this to happen more clearly, yes, I know, I would have...
I started therapy for both body and soul; even I still haven't got any significant advance or at least a glimpse that can ensure success. By this point I only realize that this effort brings a sickness hard to deal with; and this time it would be on my own.
Not so much time since the last entry; not enough to find an initiative; not so few reasons to do it again.
I come and go, here an there; doing this and that. The case is I'm at this present witnessing what I've built through actions and thoughts during my whole life. I can do good and evil as equal, and the decision is each time more and more unclear. I constantly find reasons to look forward a better future; but only if this future finds reasons to look for me. This is how life works I guess.
I'll avoid entering new perspectives just because I think it is the moment for making a pause; I need to breathe and by now I still don't know how.
Only if I have never thought about that this reality would have been other; but merely as a fact of conceptual desire on how things are being different as I try to focus in a reality that is more... noir. No matter how good can I feel about something, there's always a grief lurking aside.
I might be living someone's else life; just thinking that success would grant bits of happiness just for the inercy of events that guarantee the right to speak about future and fate. Someday I want to be able to stand against this conception, but I need weapons out of my reach by this point. Maybe just a look was enough to start Hell, just as Hell may have started even without my own notice.
I promised once not to give for sure things that make me feel good.
Running a downpath gives me some memories.
It's good that you cannot see your own eyes, somebody need to remain sane.
I never dared to say it to you, I will do it once and I hope you are still around to laugh at it.
Help me I dont know what Im doing Help me before I fall to ruin And if I'm blind, I will lead you on Come follow me now, before our time is gone
And as you're laughing at this fool tonight Let me rid myself of any line that I might choose to trip you up And as Im howling at the moonlight, dont you kid yourself I will be your luck and never be your curse Never be your curse
Help me I don't know what Im saying Sometimes this tongue can be betraying And if I'm wrong, is that such a crime? And if you want, you can set my words to right
And if your eyes forget to well And if your lies forget to tell And if our paths forget to cross It doesn't mean you're lost I will be your luck Even at my worst I will be your luck never be your curse...
Sometimes the future appears in fron of our eyes without a notice on why. This time this future had a strange path beaten down between a comfortable numbness and the reaction of the partial block on my Potasium BK channels. Unavoidably it seemed like it was the classic way we forgot the secrets we want to keep and we prefer to face each other without a meaning on the goal.
I was for a moment the witness of a beauty so big that frightened me to the bone. I felt impressed just by the fact of feeling that the words headed towards a reconaissance I started myself. Most of the time nobody has the ability of getting me to that point; and that's precisely what impresses me.
I know good times makes us think that there will always be like this; and waking up to a raw vision of how dreams turn into nightmares is the price quoted by inexperience. I'm the less indicated to speak about time and future. I'm what I am today just because I prefer fighting rather than dreaming... but that day you gave a picture able to rip out the tears I hate to show, so, I must thank you for getting fear back to me in that special way. I prefer not to even state what will be my posture for all this; because I know thaw I'm too delused to speak with soberty and hope. Sometimes I like to play games, not this time.
Whenever we both find the meaning of what we tried to say, nothing will change how warm I felt about hearing those words not just because it's intention, but for the way they made me imagine a future so beautiful I feared on how to get there...
Swirling round with this familiar parable. Spinning, weaving round each new experience...
Everytime a routine becomes as it is; we may wonder on how did we got there. Just a coincidence of events or the punctual result of every moment spent before. I think there's always the fear to go through the same mistakes from the past, and even the things can be stated to be going well now; I'm trying not to let my feelings go away neither too good nor bad.
I see wellfare, effort, hunger for success and the fear needed to get anywhere; that's precisely what I admire overall. I cannot say by now that I can ensure this would last forever; but at least I know it will last until the end. That's enough...
I feel honored by having the privilege of hearing those words. And even I am precisely what the description made of yourself drawed, I'll do what's on my side to keep it this way.
World may seem sometimes to be preparing the next move on a game so complex that only hints about it's mechanics can be inferred. This could be a paranoic vision intending to alert our senses on a hero-like plot. It's not
At the end a game is just a model intended to delimitate the rules and functions of a system by the simplification of variables through a hard conception of the interactions between it's elements. I realize now that some games do require more than the good intention and the existence of whatever may have be considered as an element itself (sic). There was evident that some events may trigger the appearence of hidden moves; I'm pretty sure as part of a bigger strategy not willing to be shown 'til the right time.
I was really surprised about finding* a posture much like the one I've tried to avoid showing at all cost. No complain can have a room just because it is very simillar to mine; even now I must take an extra step to define what happens now in my own side.
Everything is just like it was before.
*not really sure if that really found me
Music by: Queens of the Stone Age [Lullabies to paralyze]
At the end I think similarities between fan fiction and real life come to an end when a pairing match resembles for a brief moment on each other. Most of this caused by the misunderstanding of the true motivation behind facts; corresponding behavior is expected to follow the same path of tendency.
I think I have recently discovered many of the things that can use a change of mindset when a posture must be refered. Just like this theoretical concept, some stuff must be built around a different one to enhace the capacity of taking an advantage of it. I think this could be a useful point of view when trying to settle an explanation to some other things.
I know that some words may contain more than it's context, an that some others may be an empty shell for what they intend. I rather to change this mindset and start "building" around even I know this was not the true intention.
Just as everything I know of this world, wounds heal on time, either we can understard what healing means; or not.
Sometimes we found what make us fear precisely in the middle of what takes the fear away from us. I know sometimes I break with the image I've created to avoid thinking in the past; and I commited the mistake of remembering it in the worst moment.
Even though I know this is a debt with myself, and now with somebody else; I felt good to know that my explanation was not requested as a unavoidable fact, because not even me would have dared to try to do it. Commonly, I do not use this position as a paradigm to face my fears; and I want to find again the posture of not having fear to fear himself.
I won't consume this moment in thankful words; but instead I rather use my time in thinking (even I know sometimes that's precisely my problem)
Esta vez la selección fue el descansar; aderezada por una intermisión de trabajo esporadico y sin mucha objetividad que al menos permitio darle un matiz a la semana. Creo que es cierto que cuando las cosas son buenas se sufre de un principio de relatividad que plantea que las cosas ocurren con mayor rapidez; sin quitar que siguen siendo satisfactorias.
Se que en el inter de que encuentro una cierta estabilidad duradera; sigo teniendo la tendencia a actuar como si no entendiera que las cosas pasan una a la vez y que el acuerdo es comportarse con cada una de acuerdo a la situación prevaleciente. Hay cosas que se que no puedo cambiar y cosas que me recuerdan a la persona que fui por mucho tiempo y que considéro necesito cambiar.
Me quedo con el hecho de que me di cuenta de que aun me falta mucho por recorrer; y que en el camino hay personas que representarán capitulos entrantes y salientes de mi vida. Los buenos deseos y hasta cierto punto una mistica de continuidad serán una constante de la cual no soy el dueño; y supongo que en aftermath de las cosas, será mejor asi.
... Pero Marge, ya sabes que cuando aprendo una cosa nueva otra se me olvida! como aquella vez que me apunte a ese curso de beber vino y se me olvido conducir!
... niños; se esforzaron, y fracasaron miserablemente, la moraleja es nunca se esfuerzen.
... A la grande le puse Cuca
... Yo no soy una persona que se impresiona fácilmente ... Mira un auto azul !!!!
... Tendra todo el dinero del mundo, pero hay algo que jamas podra comprar.......un dinosaurio
... Me gusta la cerveza fria, la televisión fuerte, y los homosexuales locas locas !! ay si !
... Hijo, cuando participas en un evento deportivo, no importa quien gane o pierda, sino que tan ebrio te pongas
... Lisa! en esta casa respetamos las leyes de la termodinámica !!
... Operadora, por favor deme el numero del 911
... Siempre me he preguntado si existía diós. Ahora se que si… y soy yo
... "to continue press any key" ... mmm where's the any key?
... No estoy en condiciones de conducir… ¡Espera! No debo de escucharme, ¡Estoy borracho!
... Lisa, los vampiros son seres inventados, como los duendes, los gremlins y los esquimales
... Quizá, solo por una vez, alguien me llame ‘Señor’ sin añadir “Está haciendo el ridiculo"
... La verdad? LA VERDAD? tu no puedes manejar la verdad !! por que cuando uno se agacha a recoger lo que alguna vez fue la cara de su mejor amigo, y ve que solo es basura, uno no sabe que hacer. Olvidalo Marge!! esto es el barrio chino !
... ¿Quien quiere ir a la biblioteca mañana? Observen que no dije Libroteca ó mañanana ....
... Estupido y sensual Flanders!!
... Seguro Einstein se volvio de todos colores antes de inventar la bombilla
... tu que estas en todas partes señor, eres omnivoro.
... Lisa, tu y la ciencia son como Lenny y Carl. La ciencia es carl..
... Niños les voy a contar de otro hombre… Tenia el cabello largo e ideas extrañas y El no sabia porque la gente decia que era extraño, ese hombre se llamaba.. ah.. eh… Se me olvido, pero el caso es que… Se me olvido tambien… Marge tu sabes a quien me refiero, el que tenia un auto azul…
Por un lado me parece increíble y por otro me da a pensar en la utilidad que tengo; y no necesariamente en el sentido mutuo. Casi es un estereotipo soñado; y sin embargo es el entorno de las circunstancias el que me aliena.
El frío hace pensar las cosas en una perspectiva diferente; tal vez por un acrecentado instinto de supervivencia; o simplemente por que hace apreciar un poco mas lo que significa la palabra calor; de cualquier forma me es un poco mas familiar sentirme asi y creo entender últimamente el por que.
Music by: Goo Goo Dolls [Two Days in February (acoustic)]
At the end it sounds strange (specially) for me everytime I hear it. And I know that the truth will amaze and hit me one day; because I feel like everytime I'm walking on thin ice. Just as it was evident that I play the role I decide on time; I still cannot fully understand those things that stabbed me before.
I feel like searching for answers I won't hear, but at the same time I wonder if that's what I really want. On one side the canon state a possibility I should not stand but cannot clear either; and the declaration of war is always the path of pain I refuse to live again. On the other, I may be suffering of an excess of welfare that keeps me looking for reasons to justify a self-inflicted sadness. It may sound pretty apocalyptic, but I have clear now that the more I feel comfortable about it; the more I prepare to fall again. I guess that's my inherited nature.
An old friend is beside me again; or maybe he never left.
Ironically, I know he's what I need now to go trough all this.
Most of the time the vision stablished over a constant has a tendency to develop a certain blindness on what is new or what has ever been there. Not always new, nor never.
"That should put your thoughts in a perspective"
the right statement should have been:
"Should that put your thoughts in a perspective?"
Many things lurked around my mind during a time in which I tried to breathe again. I still don't know if it was a good idea or anything else would have had the same effect. I'm right in the same point I started, or at least that's what I want to believe as a self-protection mechanism.
I needed to travel far away, to realize I want to stay closer I needed to scream loud, to remind me to remain silent I walked a long distance searching for something, to realize it was inside my pocket. Nothing has changed, but I'm here again, and that is what matters.
If happy times are too few and far between
It's a pity dear, we can't erase the things we've seen
So disappear, vanish if you wish
Just go before you're swallowed up by bitterness...
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again. And for a little while more, I'll soar the uneven wind, complain and blame the sterile land But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear I'm blooming within fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out fast as I can, maybe late but at least about Fast as you can leave me, let this thing Run its route...
On one side, this will stay a few days to remind me two things about how things happen. First, that sometimes a little effort carry wounds that are not deadly but unconfortable; and at the end these wounds would heal and leave as many scars as the process state. And second, that the same posture about what make us fall apart, strokes back most of the time without a notice.
I'm still learning on what does it mean not to foresee things as they happen. In the meanwhile, I need to pack many things and wait for the moment to move them to their final destination... Ich weiss wann nicht
Music by: Massive Attack & Mos Def [I against I (Rmx)]
And this is because nothing must be changed in order to make things easier to swallow.
I have learnt that the highest priority that shall lead the course of the acts resides on the ability of be clear with itself.
Everything has a price, and I know that this price must be paid sometimes in pain and sorrow. Not new for me... The message is not so pessimist this time, because at the end there is no clear statement on what will happen later. Even though, I don't know what to expect.
I have nothing to ask because I know that there is no need for that. Many promises had born in the while, and I just can think in the very first one that must be kept... I still see no reason to believe it won't be respected.
Just as I've recorded a previous single post stating my posture about what I expect to face; things make me consider to retrieve the point where all began. Something specially difficult for me is to let things happen without foreseeing the terms I want to reach on the road. Learning on this is once again my challenge; and at a certain point; my only option.
The case is that there is no case. Nothing has changed just because nothing had ever been different, and what's left for me is to keep making an effort to understand this condition. I think my greater fear is to lose what maybe was never mine; but I considered it like that...
I need to believe that this is worth for me to go through; because I realize that the prize is precisely what I look for and what I want as part of my life. In the midterm, the battle starts and ends with myself.
Todos los días son buenos para pensar que las cosas son como podemos interpretarlas; y basado en eso, ¿Que podría tener de distinto ponerme a pensar en el tema justo hoy? Esa es precisamente el tipo de respuestas que quiero lograr en vez de las reflexiones circulares que tanto acostumbro.
Hay muchas cosas que me han puesto a pensar que todos los días las cosas pueden cambiar de como las conocimos antes, de que hacer planes con mucha antelación no siempre es la mejor opción para llevarlos a cabo. Las personas que están con nosotros pueden o pueden no estar el día de mañana. Hasta cierto punto no es una sorpresa. Solo quiero quedarme con la idea de que quiero pensar menos y hacer un poco mas.
Un nuevo año, nuevas oportunidades y nuevos retos; como lo ha sido cada uno de los anteriores. Ciertas diferencias me ayudan a verlo con una mejor disposición; pero hasta eso puede ser efímero.