Monday, November 30, 2009

Der Epilog

The aftermath of everything that could have been was finally faced in this tale I've created on my own. I must say that it was not so bad at all; thanks to the fact that I spent most of the time worrying about other things very similar in nature but atemporarily misbehaved. I felt the necessity of making evident what I'm sure was present maybe just as a thought, causing probably very different effects. I'm glad to see that even this was forgiven.
By now it's clear that the plans were from now on to have no plan; and that leave me with less to miss even in my mind were some milestones put away still kind of far with the original intention of living them later. Somebody told me a couple of weeks ago that this is about learning to be alone too; to learn that a new promise of the future must come within the welfare truly experienced. On the other hand, I received kind of a "complaint" regarding bad seasons repeating once and again and a sense of exhaustness related to them; which made me think also about what do we call a bad season. The tenderness I felt is obviously something I miss and that's making me fear* again, even I'm also pretty sure this is not what is on the script for me by now.

By this time, I still keep in mind that we live what we are prepared to live; that is useful to cry whenever we need to clean our vision to see what's coming. I repeat this everytime I still feel blue for the past.
"... Time came as creeping, and time's a loaded gun,
every road is a ray of light,
It goes on, time can only lead you on
still, such a beautiful night..."

* a concise and long explanation regarding fear was posted some time ago

Music by: The Mars Volta [ Vicarious Atonement]

Monday, November 23, 2009

Neun millionen fahrräder...

I think at the end all the time it is on me.
Not only because it was supposed to be this way; but also because I do think that it was necessary in order to gain a balance that could allow once again the future to manifest in a better shape. I'm still struggling with myself regarding how this situation can be handled without leaving space for committting with past mistakes as if I never had lived this before.
I still attach those concepts to these times I was not quite aware of the things I was living. I saw some ghosts in the same streets, and some postcards in the same places; that left me once again with the feeling of having lost something that cannot be replaced. I realized with a certain sadness that those streets lack of the same life than before, and that the color of those times was never related to the buildings. I even considered myself kind of disabled to go through the same again in some aspects; just because I'm still out of the focus that let me won before. Even when I'm pretty sure this is not what I want for myself soon (and never); I still freeze when facing the start of a path that may lead to everything I've ever wanted.
It is hard, maybe overseeing that I'm a person that sticks very roughly to dates and times. Once again the decision to go through this is all on me; but I still fear.
Even all this; I still believe that There are nine million bicycles in Beijing...
Music by: Katie Melua [ Nine million bicycles]

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Freizeit v 2.0

Having the chance enough to rest on somebody else's space gave me the point of view of those conditions that I will not see standing from my own place. I know that spare time give me reasons to miss those other moments that exist in my mind as a nice postcard of different contents.

Once my soul was opened in a certain way by a mix of high voltage rock and silliness long time not seen; I also reminded some moments that gave a reason to smile back again with a certain sorrow for what was also good in the past. I must even say that it was strange to step on the respectful territory that represented the struggle for a beginning I reached and that opened the chance to everything else.

I know that this search for something else is still on the road; being hard again to remember without getting involved. I know that the good warrior don't ever look back...

The case is that for the first time I had the chance to look on me through the eyes of my surrounding world; and that let me rewrite my strategy once again... I just hope this to be the last time.

Even this was difficult again; I must thank all those who are always besides to slap me when needed.

Music by: Jewel ft. Rob Thomas [Here comes the sun]

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Wünsche wünsche

Time has been a hard test to look forward to whatever the future may bring. Anyway, I'm extremely proud of the way the determination to set your mind free of pain was a motor to be better no matter what I felt. I must recognize that unexpected was a moment to look up and see again what originally made me admire you; and now that I needed it the most, you gave me the only reason I needed to hope for something bigger.

The hole in my soul was suddenly filled by respect and individuality, in the only way it was prudent to do it and in the same way, to encourage all those feelings that gained me the title of a psycho and a careless dreamer. I have realized that no matter how crazy it sounds, IF universe got another idea for putting together two stars from different galaxies again; they will have another chance to travel the eternity fused on a single tale.

Curiously, I'm really peaceful for what is yet to come; since it was a powerful lesson to understand that not all the weight is on my shoulders each time. Once again (even I could thank you for the eternity), I'll carry your smile under my skin to give me a reason to be better.

Music by: Sabina, Calamaro y Paez [Mas Guapa que cualquiera]

Friday, November 06, 2009

die antwort

An Ockham's razor is always a shorter path to understandment and evolution; both in knowledge and in life. Sometimes I forgot this, some others I found it very real.

Shall I be more often aware of this; I could be more clear...

Music by: Gustavo Cerati [Té para tres]

Wednesday, November 04, 2009


Stepping right aside the top of the abyss without being able to realize how you made it there is something it is both horrifying and at the same time worth to see. Not only because it's a moment that will force yourself to look for health and forgiveness; but because the fact that you carry behind those who love you in someway. I recognize that the position of understanding this has been a lot more difficult for me than originally thought, but I want to keep clear that this is what I need to do looking for longer term dreams.

Moore, Hodgkinson and Forward may have had a good chance on me; but atemporality and the lack of an study case worth (and bad...) enough to make me a point of interest is precisely what makes me stop before I turn into something I would hate. Today I woke up with the feeling of going from a nice dream to a boring and unsatisfying reality in which I'm still far from the man I want to be, and it took me a couple of hours to truly realize that this is not the way I want to live my life. There is by now nothing in the outside world that could change my perception only because it is that way; and even there was something, this condition would make me refuse the nature of the solution. A circle has been created between what I want and what I feel, and at some point I'm the only one willing to cut it off to start a path again. I may involve turns and drops in this process of drawing again a painting that was starting to fill with dust; and by now I need to understand that this must happen anyway.

It's been harder than I conceived, and now I question if I was really aware of the meaning of the choices made (not all were about choices but at the end living them was indeed a choice). I'm still clear that everything in our life is an option we choose to take or not; either we are not concious of this most of the time. Waking up, having breakfast, walking, arguing, traveling, falling in love, screaming, crying, eating, sleeping, etc. All of them carry a decision that must be made to fulfill the intention and therefore causing an effect in our lifes; and vacilating in the clarity of this decition is even a choice that must be taken with respect.

I personally believe that past must become a support for our present; not our present itself.
I'm not the kind of person that accepts that a certain weakness must be a part of you just because it appears sometime; but instead that everything that bring us pain in anyform need to be taken out. Long time ago a was in the same position and that's why I remember how hard it is to see it right, to hope for better things even they are at the corner. I want to have this clear thinking first in those ones I love and later in a more peaceful version of myself.
Being right or wrong is not something that doesn't matter mainly for me at this point. I want to make the best of this, for me and for others.

Music by: The Killers [That's just your life]

Monday, November 02, 2009

Geistig Verkleidung

These days I've seen why it is important for people to wear something that can represent some part of their nature without being judged in return. I know that most of the time it's important to keep in mind who we are; but it's refreshing to see how good it feels to everybody let themselves go for some time; and find what makes everyone happy with no prejudices.

I still would have liked to left some other things; but I guess it's a matter of taking advantage of what is good by now.

Music by: Interpol [Pace is the trick]