Besessenheit

Stepping right aside the top of the abyss without being able to realize how you made it there is something it is both horrifying and at the same time worth to see. Not only because it's a moment that will force yourself to look for health and forgiveness; but because the fact that you carry behind those who love you in someway. I recognize that the position of understanding this has been a lot more difficult for me than originally thought, but I want to keep clear that this is what I need to do looking for longer term dreams.

Moore, Hodgkinson and Forward may have had a good chance on me; but atemporality and the lack of an study case worth (and bad...) enough to make me a point of interest is precisely what makes me stop before I turn into something I would hate. Today I woke up with the feeling of going from a nice dream to a boring and unsatisfying reality in which I'm still far from the man I want to be, and it took me a couple of hours to truly realize that this is not the way I want to live my life. There is by now nothing in the outside world that could change my perception only because it is that way; and even there was something, this condition would make me refuse the nature of the solution. A circle has been created between what I want and what I feel, and at some point I'm the only one willing to cut it off to start a path again. I may involve turns and drops in this process of drawing again a painting that was starting to fill with dust; and by now I need to understand that this must happen anyway.

It's been harder than I conceived, and now I question if I was really aware of the meaning of the choices made (not all were about choices but at the end living them was indeed a choice). I'm still clear that everything in our life is an option we choose to take or not; either we are not concious of this most of the time. Waking up, having breakfast, walking, arguing, traveling, falling in love, screaming, crying, eating, sleeping, etc. All of them carry a decision that must be made to fulfill the intention and therefore causing an effect in our lifes; and vacilating in the clarity of this decition is even a choice that must be taken with respect.

I personally believe that past must become a support for our present; not our present itself.

I'm not the kind of person that accepts that a certain weakness must be a part of you just because it appears sometime; but instead that everything that bring us pain in anyform need to be taken out. Long time ago a was in the same position and that's why I remember how hard it is to see it right, to hope for better things even they are at the corner. I want to have this clear thinking first in those ones I love and later in a more peaceful version of myself.

Being right or wrong is not something that doesn't matter mainly for me at this point. I want to make the best of this, for me and for others.

Music by: The Killers [That's just your life]